NOTE TO SELF [JOURNAL] BACKSTORY
marcos-paulo-prado-tcyW6Im5Uug-unsplash.jpg
Over the last 7 years, I rarely finished a book for pleasure or saw fun, crafty projects through. We have a hammock and I think rested in it once! There was always something needing attention or more to be done.
I remember seeing a cartoon character of the composer Schubert, dressed in wig and long coat tails, mowing his lawn in straight lines with a push mower. The caption read: “Schubert never finished his 8th Symphony because he had “things to do”.
Ouch. I was this composer… It spoke to me and about me so specifically! :) (I wish I could lay my hands on this cartoon now to credit the cartoonist!)
I’ve shared before about feeling like I have treaded water as I was working out how to move my creative process forward - with hope of more than a snail’s pace. This theme also appears in a few of my songs which also came out of my journal process. I’ve also shared in workshops how the speed of my creative output felt equivalent to a drip feed. The saying “slow and steady wins the race” was helpful for me as well as my own mantra, “just one small step” which I journalled about daily for the longest time. But these sayings did not comfort me when I was frustrated by my own internal “busy’ practices because it looked like movement was happening, but really the movement was just a lot of shifting and reworking lists to mask procrastination.
Now I know that for some creatives, there is a certain amount of internal processing time needed, space and physical distance craved, and also mental sorting which needs to happen before diving in to start. But, I was a chronic case and space for me did not always mean I could or would start. There was also the strange fear in me of starting something that was undoubtedly going to have all my focus and take me to “Music World”. (My family has nicknamed this place for me and it was not complimentary, but I’m happy to say these days it is said to lovingly tease me.) I would happily live in Music World most of the time but the balancing juggle (feeling the pull of daily rituals and routines of life and family) has taken me many years to work through.
julia-joppien--3wygakaeQc-unsplash.jpg
All this to say, Note to Self [Journal] was written after I had a breakthrough in the area of flow. I went from feeling I could not start anything to finishing 3 pages of journalling most mornings a week. If I journalled, I would get all of “it” (a whole lot of circling), out onto the page and my mind would be clear and I could move in a fashion that resembled a wobbly toddler walk forward in my creative output. This flow began to manifest in other areas of my life too, and I found my self starting things more freely - even releasing music, blogs or other creative endeavours I had been sitting on and seeing them through without being held back so much by perfectionism. This unhelpful twin of procrastination had made a habit of limiting my confidence at the crucial time of releasing a finished product.
So, one day I was sitting at the piano where I like to think, dream and ponder and I realized how grateful I was for stumbling upon the process of journalling and how stabilizing it was for me through some “hard to sift through” years. I began to play “Note to Self [Journal]” as I was dwelling on this and out it came just as you hear it - sounding just like my 3 page journal entries - introspective, transitioning into flow and then, resolve. I wish I could say that it was more thought through. (It wasn’t.) Or, that it follows the rules of music composition. (It doesn’t.) Also, I would have never have bothered to release it except that certain parts of it repeatedly came back to me and begged to be played more than once. And, somehow I like the fact that “Note to Self [Journal]” expresses a record of a cathartic process that has been so important in my life of late.
I knew it was an important gesture on my part to see it through and record it. Recently, I had it scored out for piano and string quartet. The sheet music notes say, ‘introspection’ and then transitions into ‘flow’ rather than the usual Italian directive terms, which is unconventional, yet fitting.
Journalling is a microcosm of my creative process and when I learned to start, do the work and release. It became a pleasure to see the full creative process outwork itself through different projects. I still journal every morning that I can as it has become a practice. The feel of the right pen over homemade paper still gives respects to what is inside me that is needing to get out. Sometimes, I don’t know what exactly is in me needing to be expressed but whatever it is, it finds a way onto the page. Other times, I’m crystal clear and it’s a formality to lay it down on the page as a record. And, cursive. Always cursive. :)
It was a joy to perform this piece at my “Notes to Nurture - Live at Pilgrim” concert on piano with string players from the North State Symphony and woven into this story is dancer Kristen Mohline from Commūne Dance Company. You can listen to “Note to Self [Journal]” - Live at Pilgrim, see the video of the performance live on YouTube or purchase the music score for piano and string quartet. The “Notes to Nurture - Live at Pilgrim” concert experience was live recorded at Pilgrim Church in Redding, California.