THE THREE WEEK RULE
Ah, the joys of a ruminating creative marrying a whirlwind decision maker…
I heard recently that creatives procrastinate ‘purposefully’. We sit on ideas and decisions far longer than average and then, in a moment of clarity, we’ll have a creative burst of output. I have to say that this is absolutely true of me. I also have to say, this is absolutely untrue of my husband. (Moment of truth: In addition to procrastination, I can be overly cautious and a tad perfectionistic.)
With forward motion being one of my husband’s core strengths, I have found myself somewhat envious of the way he can decide to go after an idea that is inspired one day and actioned the next. I came to realize my own decision making was seriously circular and the pull of people and projects that I readily gave time to was what ‘The Artist’s Way’ calls ‘self-sabotage’. Making decisions for me was like treading water, which only made me frustrated – angry, even - although I did not recognize this for the longest time.
Early in our marriage I did not understand I was so creative in nature and it has been a tough journey to navigate nurturing my creative expression - the thing most dear to my heart.
Although my husband and I knew each other for 10 years before we got married, I learned pretty early on in our marriage that my husband had some new-to-me unique wiring. I didn’t get the message at our wedding when my new father-in-law said to me, “Well, you’re going to have an interesting life, that’s for sure.” I thought it was a sweet sentiment until I increasingly realized just how opposite we were, and this most obviously came to a head in the way we approached making a joint decision.
When we first married, my husband would ask me what I thought about a particular idea he was contemplating. Should he/we purchase? Should he/we go one direction or another? I would go and make a list of pros and cons and do some research weighing up all the options to make my best and wisest decision. But, when I would come back to him, he would say something like, “Oh, I already moved on from that” or, “I’m onto something else now” (or something equivalent). It took me a few months to get my head around this tailspinand how much time I was wasting in earnest on his behalf! So, I established what we still jokingly call our ‘three week rule’; If he was still considering his big ideas in 21 days then it was worth me putting in the investment of my time. Those three words have saved me… and I’d like to think him, too.
Recently, we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and we were chuckling about how the three week rule has helped him to identify what he actually doesn’t want my “yes” or “no” on. No matter what I think, it’s important and vital enough to him to go after it. In these cases, now he will tell me, “I want to try this (or that). I’ve done the research. I’m going for it.” In some cases when it’s time sensitive, he’ll move ahead and let me know after. I’ve learned to trust him over the years - perhaps because of all the three week blocks he patiently waited long enough for me to weigh in on and then listened while we talked our decisions through in our early married years. I’m sure he initially felt as held back as I felt propelled at the speed of light in our joint decision making. Now it’s been years since we implemented the three week rule – I guess we grew up, or grew together, or just matured out of it.
In turn though, watching him has helped me over the years to value the things in my heart that I need to run with - regardless of his opinion. I’ve learned to own my need for creative outlets and how to fill my own well, along with practicing more linear, healthy decision making for myself.
Yes, creativity and its expression can be a hard road to navigate in a marriage – both for the creative, and also for those nearest and dearest. Thankfully, now even my children will recognize my need for creative expression in my procrastination stage and say, “Um, how ‘bout you go have some piano time,” while gently nudging me in its general direction.
I would call ours an honest love – raw and a little rough around the edges, with learned trust birthed through our joint decision-making process. And yes, my heart still skips a beat when I see him. (He tells me it’s true for him, too.)
Happy 20th to us and our three week rule!